House of Dogs
by poke-a-spark
Summary: Summary: Shepard, James, Wrex, Garrus and Javik go out to the bar with the intention of drowning their girl problems in alcohol. Their situations look a lot more promising from the bottom of a cup. [Mentioned: FemShep/Miranda Garrus/Tali James/Ash Wrex/Bakara Javik/Liara] [Slight Citadel DLC spoiler.]


**House Of Dogs**

**Summary:**** Shepard, James, Wrex, Garrus and Javik go out to the bar with the intention of drowning their girl problems in alcohol. Their situations look a lot more promising from the bottom of a cup. FemShep/Miranda Garrus/Tali James/Ash Wrex/Bakara Javik/Liara**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect or anything associated with it. I am not making a profit off of this story. I am just a poor college kid who is addicted to the game.**

**A/N: Just a fun little piece I cooked up to counter my boredom at school. There are minor spoilers for the Citadel DLC. The pairings are different than I would normally do; usually my Shep ends up with Liara no matter my initial plan :P Anyways; this is my first ME fic, the first story I write in a while, and since I do not have a beta I claim ownership of all of my mistakes :)**

**O0o0o0o0o0o0O**

Shepard unsteadily made her way across the Silverstrip Bar, the tray of multicolored drinks in her hand wobbling precariously. Despite her unsteady gait, she managed to deposit her burden onto the table without spilling a drop of the precious liquids contained within the glasses. Flopping into her seat, she let out a puff of air, feeling quite proud of herself; the appreciative look her companions sent her didn't hurt either.

Grabbing the drinks, she took it upon herself to distribute them to their rightful owners; a glass of dextro-brandy for Garrus, an asari honey wine for Javik, something resembling vodka for James, and a glass of ryncol for both her and Wrex.

"Thanks, Shepard," Garrus' mandibles twitched mournfully as he stared into his cup, absentmindedly eating from a red bowl of nuts.

"Anytime, buddy. Anytime." Shepard leaned over to pat the desolate turian on the soldier only to rethink her decision as she experienced the unpleasant sensation of vertigo. Righting herself, she settled for showing her support by patting the hand that clutched his drink in a vice grip.

"Don't worry, my dextro-amigo. It's not the end of the world. Yet." James looked around the table as a few snorts answered him. "Too soon?"

"Yeah," Shepard drawled. "Just a bit. Might want to wait until the reapers are actually gone before adding those to your repertoire; might end up offending some people."

"Bah." Wrex scoffed. "If they can't deal with it it's their problem. Besides, if it leads to a bar fight than its okay in my books."

"I find this talk pointless; we should be killing reapers, not sitting in a bar joking about their victory." Javik stared at his bright purple drink, his hands coming up to point at a piece of orange plastic half submerged in the sweet liquid. "Commander; what is this contraption? Why is it in my drink?"

Shepard looked to her left; her vision locking on to the object in question. "It's a bendy straw."

Javik stared at the foreign object, his finger coming up to poke it cautiously. The straw slipped to the far side of his glass. "What is its purpose?"

"It's a bendy straw." Shepard furrowed her brows in thought, before shrugging. "Its purpose is to be a bendy straw."

"Deep, Lola." James stated seriously, looking down to his own straw. "Very deep."

"Ah. I see." Javik stared at the orange tube in a new light. "Its purpose is to be what it is; a noble undertaking. I approve."

"You drink out of it," Shepard supplied helpfully as she sipped her ryncol, ignoring the burn as it went down and settled into her empty stomach.

"So it is a tool meant to be used." Javik eyed the straw. "I retract my earlier statement. I do not understand you primitives and your need for frivolous things."

Shepard was about to defend the bendy straw's honor when she saw her friend's hand absently reaching for the blue bowl in the middle of the table. "Garrus!" Shepard smacked his hand, making him drop the nuts he had picked up.

"What?" Garrus said distractedly, before looking at the bowl of nuts now held tightly in the commander's hands. "Oh."

"C'mon man, what's got you so down? You couldn't have messed up that badly; even I can tell Tali's totally into you and I haven't known either of you for long." James turned his attention to the issue they were there to tackle in the first place.

"She hates me." If possible, his expression looked more downtrodden than it did a moment ago. "She wants nothing to do with me; told me I could go calibrate with someone else for all she cares."

"You know, in hindsight, it probably wasn't a good idea to set you up with that female turian." Shepard rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly as her companions stared at her with varying stages of disbelief.

"Well, it's not like you did anything with her, right?" James asked, still staring incredulously at the galaxy's last hope as she pretended to be absorbed in the colorful little umbrella adorning her drink.

"No!" Garrus denied vehemently. "Of course not! We only drank a bit and talked about the weather."

"And now the quarian's pissed at you," Wrex supplied unhelpfully.

Garrus let out a mournful wail into his cup as he sank half of it, trying and failing to drown his troubled sorrows.

"Hey, hey!" James clasped the troubled alien on the shoulder. "So you'll be in the dog house for a while; it'll blow over eventually. Chicks get mad at everything; it's their thing."

"Hey!" Shepard exclaimed indignantly.

"You don't count."James waved her response away. "You're like one of the guys."

"Yeah, you've got a quad, Shepard." Wrex saluted her with his drink.

Shepard spluttered, not knowing if she should be deeply offended or honored.

"Plus, you can't tell me you've never spent time on the couch for no good reason?" James questioned challengingly.

"No." Shepard sniffed proudly.

"As if." James looked at her as if she had a reaper growing out of her shoulder blades. "You mean to tell me Miranda's never verbally kicked your ass and sent you packing for a night or two? Not once? I don't believe it."

"N-" Shepard could feel herself breaking under the combined stares of her friends. "Okay dammit! Fine! Yes, I make her mad and get in trouble all the bloody time; It's like I'm always screwing up and I'm the last one to know. Happy?"

"You sound a little touchy, Shepard. Anything you want to tell us?" Wrex asked tauntingly.

"Yeah, Shepard. Spill." James crossed his arms with a self-satisfied smirk on his face. "This is sharing time."

Shepard slumped in her seat, her head hitting the table with a thump. She mumbled something.

"What was that, Shepard?" Wrex questioned, intrigued despite himself.

"Come on Lola, don't leave Garrus alone up shit creek without a paddle," James prodded. "Take the poor guy's mind off of his own problems for a while."

"What is this fecal creek you speak of?" Javik looked alarmed. "I did not approve of this outing, though I came despite my misgivings to support a fellow warrior; however this is where I draw the line. I refuse to accompany you."

"Chill, bro. It's just an expression." James said, though his stare never left the commander.

"I will never understand you primitives." Javik said as he absentmindedly took a drink from his bendy straw. "I do not think it is something I ever want to be able to do; the day it happens shall be a horrible day indeed."

"Ugh." Shepard groaned as she slumped back in her chair, forgoing the straw to take a large gulp of her drink. "I went out with Joker and EDI a few nights ago, right? Well I woke up to an angry vid message and a wicked headache the next morning. Apparently she has it on good authority that I went out with an asari a few nights ago and we were all over each other. I'm to pray to whatever god I believe in that my excuse is good enough for her or else I'm in the dog house until after the reapers are defeated."

"Seriously?" James asked, incredulously. "Ouch."

"I know, right!" Shepard's voice rose as she complained at the injustice. "I don't even remember anything after that ninth shot with Joker; I mean, I vaguely remember something about an asari but I wouldn't do that, right?" She looked around at her friends for support.

"Right." The chorus of voices seemed to cool down her ire, turning her mood melancholy once more.

"I have no proof and a fuzzy memory to back it up. What are the chances I'll survive the war to make it through this horrible punishment?"

No one answered.

"Fuck. I'm screwed."

"With how bad your luck seems to be, Shepard, I have no idea how you're still alive and kicking." Wrex laughed.

"Did she not die once already?" Javik asked, not so silently agreeing with the krogan.

"Maybe this is Miranda's way of saying 'Don't cross me; I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it." James laughed loudly as the table erupted into hardy chuckles. Even Garrus let out a guffaw.

"Hey!" Shepard pouted, before turning the stink eye on her companions. "You're not ones to talk! You!" She pointed at Wrex. "You said you're here to argue with the council to expand the krogan to other worlds, but I wonder why the council was surprised to see you when they were expecting a female shaman." Wrex abruptly stopped laughing and glowered. "That's right, buddy. I have connections. Pissed the mother of your future children off, didn't you?"

"I told her she talked too much." Wrex grumbled. "Apparently I said it one time too many."

"And you!" She pointed to the prothean. "Don't think you're superior to any of us 'primitives'! You've got problems of the heart too, pal."

"Nonsense." Javik dismissed her claim without a thought. "I have no mate and therefore have no such problems."

"Nuh-uh! You're not getting away that easily! I've seen how you look at a certain asari friend of ours; you're as intrigued by her as she is of you." Shepard said, poking the prothean beside her to emphasize her point.

"You are inebriated and speak nonsense." Javik adamantly defended.

"You fight with her all the time and yet you've decided to write a book with her, something that will require for you two to be around each other for long periods of time. You stare at her every time you're in a room together, and you biotically turned that one merc into a stain on the wall when he dared to comment on her figure." Shepard looked him in the eyes smugly. "Not to mention the fact that you've been drinking her favorite drink all night."

Garrus looked thoughtfully at the prothean across the table. "You know, now that you mention it…"

"You primitives and your jokes. I have no feelings for the asari beyond a vague sense of curiosity for how they have evolved since my cycle. And I drink this because it is pleasing to the palate." Javik stated with finality.

"Liar; you said that stuff tasted like sweetened Pogrant dung. Whatever the hell that is…." Wrex pointed out.

"Yeah," James chimed in. "You said it sucked; Liara said it was her favorite drink; and now you refuse to drink anything else." James laughed again and banged the table at Javik's miffed expression, causing the nuts Garrus spilled earlier to jump.

"I refuse to acknowledge your words." Javik huffed and took another sip.

"And don't think I forgot about you, mister gods-gift-to-women!" Shepard snapped, staring into the smug expression of the man sitting across from her.

"What about me, Lola?" James smirked. "You said it all right there; the ladies love _The James_."

"Right," Shepard nodded along, smirking herself. "So I hear you've set your sights on Ash?'

"You heard right; it won't be long until caves to the irresistibleness of my body." James flexed his arms. "I mean look at that! Perfection."

"Right, right. And, how long have you known her?" Shepard asked.

"A few months," James responded.

"And you guys live in close quarters, right? She sees your 'irresistible body' everyday, right?" Shepard pressed.

James was starting to feel uneasy. "Your point?"

"It seems to me she's having a perfectly fine time resisting you." Shepard said smugly.

"Hey now," James exclaimed, trying to catch the scattering pieces of his pride. "I'll have you know that many ladies have succumbed to my dashing charms and wild good looks!"

"Right," Shepard paused, before going in for the kill. "And yet I seem to recall you saying back on Earth that your longest relationship lasted a month and a half, and that your uncle had convinced her to give you a chance."

"Ouch." Garrus laughed.

"That was below the belt, Shepard." Wrex stated, looking at the deflated man next to him before turning to nod at the female. "I approve."

"Shut up." James scowled.

Slowly the laughter abated and the friends finished their drinks in silence.

"Well, I feel marginally better; but I still have no idea what to do about my problem," Garrus spoke as he set his finished glass beside the two empty ones he had drank previously.

They all looked at each other; none of them knew how to respond. Finally, after a few moments of allowing the dread to seep in once more, Wrex pushed away from the table and stood up.

"I have the answer." Wrex grumbled as he went over to the bar. The occupants of the table glanced curiously at one another before turning to watch him. Finally the krogan ambled back to the table with a tray covered in shots. He began dividing them equally.

"What's the answer, Wrex?" Shepard asked curiously as she accepted a glass and sniffed it, her nose wrinkling at the strong smell.

"The answer is that the answer is in the bottom of one of these glasses. So start drinking." Wrex sank his first shot and looked at the bottom of the glass. The others watched him, intrigued. "Nope; not in this one."

**O0o0o0o0o0o0O**

"And that's why I think you should get her an explor- an exploser-, a bomb." Shepard leaned on her turian friend, expression serious despite the red flush staining her cheeks.

"I don't know..." Garrus looked uncertain. "Do you really think so?"

"Ye-," She hiccupped. "Yep" Shepard giggled. "Everyone likes exsh-" She furrowed her brows and concentrated on moving her mouth in the correct sequence. "Eck-shplo-shions." She looked down, briefly worried at how much she drank on an empty stomach, before shrugging it off as unimportant. She felt fine. "Plus, I saw it in my glass."

"Which one?" James looked interested at the pile beside her.

"I-, I dunno." She looked around confused. "It had a blob at the bottom though. It was a _sign_."

"Smartest thing you've said all night," Wrex toasted her and took another shot, disappointedly putting it down when it didn't have any answers at the bottom. It wasn't fair that the alcohol was talking to Shepard and not him; he had been drinking longer than she had been alive.

"Yeah, okay." Garrus said determinedly. "I'll do it."

"And maybe you can paint it a pretty color, like, like…" James trailed off before snapping his fingers. "Like the purplish color of her mask. The thought's gotta win you some points."

"Oh, good idea!" Shepard bounced in her seat. "You can make it all romantic and stuff, with like, chocolates and flowers."

"Thanks guys," Garrus looked around at his friends, his mandibles quivering emotionally. "I really appreciate it."

"Anytime buddy," Shepard pet his arm soothingly.

"Don't sweat it, amigo." James gave him a friendly punch on the shoulder.

"Commander," Javik looked at Shepard solemnly. "I must admit something; I spoke too rashly earlier. This flexible tube of plastic; this _bendy straw_, is a marvelous invention. We should buy many of them and bring them with us. They will surely ensure our victory against the reapers."

"Now that's an idea," Garrus looked intrigued. Picking up one of his discarded straws, he saw it in a new light. "Wow; you know I think you're right. They'd never expect us to use these."

"Yes," Javik nodded; glad to have shown others of his epiphany.

"I can totally use the Normandy's funds to buy a crate or two," Shepard said thoughtfully. "I-it should be part of the budget anyways. I-I mean, how can they _not_ be?"

"Hey, guys! Doesn't this look like the letter L?" James excitedly thrust his glass under their noses, a curvy line of liquid all that was left at the bottom. "Maybe you should give Liara one!"

"Yeah Javik, It's a _sign_. Totally." Shepard nodded in agreement.

"Yes. Yes it is a good idea." Javik picked up the straw and tucked it into his armor. "I will give the Liara asari the gift of a bendy straw." They all drank a toast to another solved problem.

"Okay, my turn." James said.

Looking into his cup, Garrus eyed the completely empty glass contemplatively. "There's nothing here…" The proverbial light bulb went off in his head. "James, you said you were pursuing Ash, right?"

"Well, yeah. Of course." James answered, curiosity lining his voice. "Your point?"

"Well that's your problem. My cup is empty; I think it means you have to play hard to get. Let her come to you." Garrus shared his tidbit of wisdom, happy to help repay his friends.

"You know, that might just work!" Shepard exclaimed, eyes wide.

"Yeah… Yeah!" James grinned toothily. "Why didn't I think of that!"

"Krogan," Javik began, his cup held out in front of him. "What does this look like to you?"

Wrex peered into the cup, silently contemplating. "You know, it kind of reminds me of a pyjak."

"Well maybe you should get your woman a pet. Girls like pets, right?" James chipped in.

"Well, I have tropical fish and a space hamster, so it must be true." Shepard agreed with her muscular friend's assessment.

"But those vermin are everywhere on Tuchanka; why would she want one as a pet?" Wrex asked, confused.

"Females are strange beings. Do not question it." Javik imparted his wise words of wisdom, gaining him a chorus of nods and agreements.

"True," Wrex acquiesced.

"Hey, what about me?" Shepard raised her hand and waved it around.

They were silent as they thought. Finally, Garrus came up with an idea. "Well, your situation is graver than ours, and your luck is horrible; instead of looking into one cup for the answer why don't we look into five cups?"

They decided it was as good a plan as any. They each took their last shot, and peered down into their cups.

"I got something shaped like an egg." James said.

Shepard furrowed her brows in confusion.

"Mine looks like a ring." Wrex supplied helpfully.

Her look of confusion slowly melted away as a look of panic slowly took up residence.

"Hey, mine too!" Garrus shouted excitedly.

She paled slightly.

"Mine looks like a ring as well, Commander." Javik said.

Shepard lost all color in her face. She felt lightheaded all of a sudden. Maybe drinking that much hadn't been a good idea.

"What about yours?" Garrus asked, curiously.

Slowly, Shepard gave Garrus her glass and watched as they passed it around. Finally, it came to rest once more in front of her. The silence was deafening. After a few moments of shared glances, James finally spoke up.

"So…." Looking at the cups once more, he decided there could only be one conclusion. "Marriage and a baby?"

"Joyous. I shall bring the bendy straws." Javik stated, clasping Shepard on the shoulder.

Shepard laughed weakly, eyeballing the offending cup in front of her. She had no idea how to pull this off; what if she messed up and Miranda said no?

No. She couldn't think like that. The cups had spoken and who was she to deny their counsel? Straightening up in her seat, she puffed up in false confidence. "Alright I'll do it!" Her friends cheered and congratulated her with pats on the back. She smiled and laughed with them, only for a thought to occur to her, causing her to panic. "What am I supposed to do, guys? She'll be here in a few hours!"

"Don't worry, Lola. We'll help you out; right amigos?" James looked around at the others; they all chimed in their agreement.

"Thanks guys," Shepard sniffed, teary-eyed. "You guys are the, the _bestest_ friends a person could have."

Almost as one, the group stood wobbly to their feet and exited the bar, leaning against each other. So focused on their plans, they didn't hear the enraged shouting behind them as they piled into an elevator and headed for the shopping district.

"Damn aliens," The short salarian muttered as he lost sight of them. "Open a tab my ass." Looking to one of the waiters, he called her over. "Gria, go notify C-Sec. _Someone_ is going to pay for these drinks." Muttering angrily to himself, he continued wiping down the bar. He hated tourists.

**O0o0o0o0o0o0O**

**A/N: Whoo, that took up the whole six hours of my class… Whatever, it was way more fun than 'Microsoft Word Level 3'. Now that's boring stuff. So, how did you like it? This popped into my head and I wrote it to pass the time; I may or may not make a sequel detailing how their drunken plans play out. It all depends on how this one is received, I guess.**


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